REGRETS and Working through Them

Regrets

I haven’t posted a blog for quite some time. My mom passed away less than two weeks ago and I have feelings that I never knew existed before. My mom was such a special person; she never gave up on me; inspired my writing; enforced true values, and helped so many people who thought their lives weren’t worth a shit.

So many times did I stand on the street corner, flying a sign, and here came either a red Ford Escort or a white Lincoln Town Car, when it was my mom. She didn’t want anything but the best for everyone out there in the pouring rain and bitter cold to be fed and be safe. She gave clothes and boots to so many people in need and wanted absolutely nothing in return.

I turned my back many times on my mom, thinking she was only out to be judgmental and turn her nose up. I ran from the sight of her. Now I wish she was here with me as I continue my books.

Now the shoe is on the other foot and I realize what her and my dad were set out to do.

Every time I turn a corner, on the bus, in a car, or on foot, I find things about her that I will miss forever.

I haven’t written in Beyond the Signs for several months and I believe this is a big reason.
On the other hand there is a publisher who is seriously considering an excellent contract concerning TOTAL DISCHARGE. Publishing a book is a huge hassle and careful consideration is best. Mom was very good at that, as well as many, many other things.

I already know where this dedication is going...

This is part of the last chapter. (The language is a spicy so be prepared):

*********************************************************************************

“Nice to meet you, Moe.”

“I CAN HEAR YOU…I CAN HEAR MYSELF!”

“Taint fo long do; white boy, dat mudda fucka is a cumin again.”

Half frightened out of his wits, Brandon reached out to a hand. It felt like a leather baseball mitt, and shook the third and fourth finger of a hand, a promising hand, a hand from above.

“I’m here to hep you boys. Ain’t nuttin’ gunna change till we find dat mudda fuka and find the peach pie for his plan.”

   Brandon, looking into bloodshot eyes, jerked hard enough to slowly, painfully, release the man’s huge, bloody fingers from the intense grasp.

“How do you suppose we do that?”

“Don’t patronize me, white boy. We gots a job to do.”

“I’m sorry, Moe. It’s been one hell of a week.”

“Tell me ‘bout it. I gots an ingrown on my left ‘biggen that dat makes me limp like a three legged dog. Don’t you be a tellin me nuttin ‘bout pain.”

“Okay, Moe, you seem to have an insight on what has happened. How do we stop this bastard from striking again?”

Moe suddenly became very serious. “I've been with the N.S.A., working under cover for over twelve years. I know who he is and what his plans have been and are. Inside every module he drops, he hides a video camera. It links via satellite directly to him. We find that camera, we send a message to him. He knows me. He knows how I like my toast in the morning. He knows how many cubes of sugar I like in my coffee. He knows that I know him better than he knows himself. Let’s go tear that thing apart, find the video uplink, and send the dirty bastard a strong message.”

Totally bewildered, Brandon’s eyebrows reached his own receding hairline. Nodding his head, he asked his new friend, “What is your real name?”

“James Moses Bend. Just call me Jim from now on, okay?”

“Okay, Jim. Let’s go see what we can do.”


Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray
toncrayrk@gmail.com

The Rope

The Rope

Hello Everyone,

It’s been a while since I have the possibility to blog. For this, I apologize. Let’s get on with it, Okay?

We all have ropes to climb. Sometimes our grasp lets go and we fall directly on our asses. It hurts for a spell but it ain’t…(oops, proper English, here – Thank You Karen Meyers) isn’t worth a shit if there is no pain. Rope can cause a deep, painful sensation that will cause a person to use the weight on top of their shoulders for something other than a counterweight for our weight-gaining butts.

When we climb that damned rope, ignore the pain(s) in our ass and keep going upward and achieve the goals we have focused on.

When it rains, it pours, making that fricken rope even slicker. Keep climbing, the rope can't bee that out of reach.

Ugh!

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray-Author

Short and Sweet

Due to demand for si-fi books being greater than memoir or autobiography, I have altered the focus of my work to my hard science fiction story, Total Discharge. I will resume writing Beyond the Signs after I complete my novel. Another reason I decided to focus my attention on Total Discharge is I can see where the story will have a conclusion. Beyond the Signs has no foreseeable conclusion, therefore making it one of the more difficult books to write.

Until next time,

Kirk Toncray

(website under construction)

Food Stamps

When it comes to people helping people, some fade in and some fade out. It seems the ones who are well-off, the ones who fade out, are the ones who make the decisions which are based upon their own experience. When it gets right down to the nitty-gritty, who should be making those decisions, the rich? – Hell no! They already have a warm place to sleep, a bathroom to piss in when morning comes, and FOOD TO EAT.

It came upon me today when a very dear friend who volunteers relentlessly for non-profit organizations that help homeless persons. This person struggles to make ends meet, but still does the duty of volunteering time, especially during harsh weather conditions. This person does an excellent job of placing food on the table, even when funds are very low.

This person was turned away for 5 days for a replacement EBT, SNAP, ‘Food Stamp’ card because the one in use was misplaced. The new card must now be mailed, instead of issuing one on the spot at DHS. (The way it used to be). We all know how that story goes… Government agencies suck. Luckily, this person will not starve. This person is stringing along by the skin of teeth but maintains an apartment, with heat, and a refrigerator with some food to eat.

What about homeless persons who do not have an address for a new card to be mailed to? What about them? What should they do? Answer me that, big-shot government people. Chew on that donut and wash that one down with your Starbucks!

What the HELL is going on here? To all of you that vote, take a good, solid look at what is really going on. If you are one of those who think food stamps should be eliminated because some people are lazy, my email address is posted below. Give me a holler. Make sure you give me your return address. You WILL hear back!

Until Next Time,

Kirk Toncray

toncrayrk@gmail.com

Sharing

Exhaustion comes pretty darn close but dedication comes even closer. Our recent activations at the Egan Warming Centers brought out the heart that exists in all of us. It not only exists within the dedicated volunteers on staff, but also the many guests that have nowhere else to go. When temperatures reach dangerous levels, these persons know what it’s like to live in pure ice-cold-Hell. For the most part, these persons don’t complain. These persons just want, need, and deserve a safe, warm place to sleep. Some hot food and an ear to listen does wonders too.

To all those who care, and guests far and near, remember who you really are and join us. 

Beyond the Signs – Chapter 8 excerpt

Responsibilities and Issues

Even though my life seemed to be moving in a positive way and things were working out the way they should, I never once left behind the thought that at any given time, something could go afoul and muster a world of dust. What I mean is reality. No matter how much a person tries to avoid reality, it never goes away. Just when it seems like everything is fine and dandy, something will inevitably jump up and bite you right in the ass.

I have never been fond of banks. Past experience has led me to believe that they are just not trustworthy. At this point, I must at least have a checking account so I figured; what the hell. I might as well have a savings account too. That ran into problems which I never anticipated. I learned really fast that when automatic payments are set-up, that money must be in the proper account on time. If it’s not, well, penalties are a sure thing.

This is when I realized how little responsibility I had during the years I was homeless. Basically, there were no bills that I could manage because I had no money. I could name all my outstanding debts on one hand and have fingers left over. True, those are fairly large bills and there was no way in Hell I could pay on them so unfortunately they never reduced but instead increased in size due to interest. The good part is I didn’t need to worry about the bills. The bad part – now I feel that I must pay on them since I do have income.

When a person is homeless, and the only income gained is from flying a sign or working under-the-table jobs, money goes for items used for survival. Comfort items are another item that are often overlooked, such as deodorant, toothpaste, and items that ordinarily would be considered hygiene. True, a large portion of the money goes towards non-necessities, but for the most part it’s for sleeping bags, clothing, food, whatever is needed for the basics.

I shopped around and found a bank that I felt comfortable with so I had a checking and savings account established. Since I was still fresh off the streets, I bit off a little more than I could chew. The reality alarm sounded when ordering items online and using a debit card, while signing up for direct payment on many monthly bills, all collectively formed a fricken mess. Even though I had money in the bank, there were times when it just simply didn’t cross my mind to transfer funds from savings to checking to cover all of my purchases. It doesn’t take long to realize that the end of the month rolls around rather quickly. By the third month of having my bank accounts, website, cellular phone, etc., I visited my online checking account balance and found it in the red, highlighting a shit-pile of thirty-five dollar overdraft fees. Fortunately, my overdraft protection paid these bills so I never received any of those lovely notices that state; Insufficient Funds. A quick click or two of my computer mouse generated a fund transfer from savings to checking to rectify the foul-up but the fact still remained that the bank had paid these bills and also stuck me for over a hundred bucks for doing so. Damn that hurt.

This happened a second time when I found myself standing in front of the cashier at my favorite department store. Talk about embarrassed, I felt like I was on top of the world, sporting decent clothes and nice boots, whipping out my debit card like it was some sort of fashion statement. Well, to me it was. Heck, I had never even used one, even before I went homeless. I thought; I’m right up with the big boys now, by golly! Then came the disappointing words from the cashier, right in front of God and everybody, “Sir, this card has been declined.”

Shit!

I could feel my face turning four different shades of red, including purple, as I tucked tail and headed out the door. I never looked behind me until I hopped on the bus. After swapping money around at the bank, I jumped back on the bus, went back to the same store and gathered the same items. I made damn sure I found the same cashier to check my items. I don’t really think it made a rat’s ass in Honky-Town to the cashier or to anyone else that I did have money, but it sure did make me feel better to whip out that damn debit card and pay for those items.

Until next time,

Kirk Toncray

WEBSITE

The Need is Great

Compassion for the Homeless:

Reality of homeless situations really comes into play as the cold season unexpectedly hits. Many persons aren’t as prepared for nasty weather as one would like to be, furthering the basic survival needs such as a warm place to sleep. Our last cold spell just took place, just after Thanksgiving of this year. In our area, we set record low temperatures night after night, forcing warming centers to stay open longer and earlier than anticipated.

In our area, this ultimately meant depleting a large portion of the budget and placing a great deal of strain on our volunteer staff. With the official beginning of winter being on December 21, we were 18 days ahead of the solstice. A quick check of The Farmer’s Almanac reveals data which states a colder than usual winter ahead with a higher chance of snow in our region.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this means we are in for a real doozy. With the money gone, and resources nearly depleted, in means an urgent meeting for the leadership of our group, the Egan Warming Center network, to search for alternative methods of funding for our mission of saving lives during potentially fatal cold nights.

With this being said, hopefully there will be some help from local businesses as well as the general public to recognize the urgent need for these types of organizations so they can stay in operation during the coldest, deadliest part of the year. In short, ‘tis the season for giving, and personally, I can’t think of a better way to contribute than offer a little compassion for those who need it the most.

Until next time,

Kirk Toncray

WEBSITE