I Miss My Kids

As a new chapter developed in my new book, 'Beyond the Signs', there must be sadness as well as happiness.

When my oldest son’s birthday came along a few days ago, I thought to myself, ‘Piss on it’. I haven’t seen him in eighteen years. I have a granddaughter whom I have never met. My other son is a Small Animal Veterinarian in Phoenix, AZ. – as far as I know.

My mom went to Heaven wishing to see her grandchildren again.

Until Next Time

–Kirk–

It's Going to Take a While

It's no matter why some people go off the deep end and end up... Well, let's just say that some persons would see those individuals as abnormal. Some even say, "Nuts, they all need to be in  a mental institution."

As I was sitting on the toilet tonight, staring at my tablet, the thought crossed my mind of how many times I had to take shelter in a public bathroom and was ridiculed by others who were obviously more well off that I.

Think on that for a spell.

-Kirk Toncray

Writing is an art, just like singing or painting a picture. Sometimes when I write, it gets a little too close to some people's feelings – me included. – It's been a long time since I have written on this blog and there are reasons. I have asked friends to help me with the conclusion of Beyond The Signs, and the only response I get is, "It's not done yet."

Until Later,

–Kirk Toncray

Understanding

The more I attempt to write, “Beyond the Signs,” the more of jumbled up fricken mess it becomes. There are so many people wanting to hear a conclusion but the fact of the matter is – there is no conclusion. This is how life goes and for some, it is even more of a challenge than most would like to admit. Today, for instance, I walked to the bank and followed a man who was pushing his bicycle while holding a duffle bag in one hand and had a backpack slung over his other arm. Poking out of the backpack was a sleeping bag. Need I say more?

As I exited the bank and began my day’s journey, I passed that man who was sitting in the sunshine and spreading his blankets and sleeping bag to dry out. I walked a little farther then glanced back and saw Springfield Police asking him questions. The man did not appear high or drunk to me, just cold and wanting to dry his things out in the warm sun. Where’s the crime?

Until Later,

–Kirk Toncray

After All This Time

After All This Time

When I released Behind the Signs, I hoped the book would touch a few hearts. Apparently, it is still reaching people and sending a signal that will never be forgotten. I walk every day to maintain my health and people yell at me, “Hey Kirk!” I feel bad because I recognize the faces but I cannot put a name to these persons. “I read your book,” is a what I usually hear. “It touched my heart.”

That’s what it’s all about.

–Kirk Toncray

Title

I haven't blogged for quite a while. Holiday seasons are very difficult for me for reasons I will not disclose. One of the best things we can do as loving human beings is to drop all of our selfishness, our competitiveness, forget about NASCAR, NFL, NBA and really, truly, look into the mirror and ask yourself, "Is this the person I really am, or could I do more?"

Later,
–Kirk

Something Must Be Done

Dear Senator Wyden;

This email is being sent to you as the Social Security Administration is on the federal level but I am also contacting our governor, John Kitzhaber, as the Child Support Program is on the state level. I am disabled and receive Supplemental Security Income. The SSA encourages individuals to obtain gainful employment as much as possible. I receive $721 per month in SSI. I visited the website and called the SSA about returning to work, part time, as much as my personal disability will allow. I learned that any money I earn will be deducted from my SSI income

Here’s the tricky part; I owe several thousand dollars in back child support. This cannot be deducted from my SSI but up to 50% can be garnished from any earned income that I receive. This ultimately means I would need to work full time, which I cannot, and earn $14 per hour to break even to what I receive from SSI. I strive to better myself, and be an asset instead of a liability, but these circumstances prevent it.

Thank You,
Robert Kirk Toncray

Work Together

Many of us have experienced things in life that put us into positions where we really don’t want to be. One of those positions is loneliness. We've all faced it; through divorce, death, or any loss that melts your heart until it hurts so bad you want to tip your head forward and cry. Sometimes the words don’t fit. Sometimes we are too busy to listen to ourselves and to others.

There is a thought that occurred to me that maybe we can re-focus. We are all good. We are all given the gift of an intelligent mind. We all can pull ourselves together to make this world a better place for everyone.

Despite the politics that occurred last season at Egan Warming Centers, by-golly it’s time for someone like me to stand up and shake that wonderful program back into shape!

Let’s work together. Make this happen. The cold season is around the corner.

Understanding

There are many factors that make ordinary people function in different ways. One of which is the capacity to understand what reality is and what is running through a person’s mind, some of which are untrue and only visible to the person who owns that mind.

Sometimes, actually, most of the time, things get all out of whack where day-to-day living becomes more of a nightmare than actually relieving the frustrations that may enter the mind. Let’s face it, we, as people, live like we are dumber than a box of rocks. If you dig into that box, you will find an intelligent person who will simply nod his/her head then continue with the task at hand.

Publishing a good book is very much the same. I was at a total loss as how to deal with certain things in my life when a publisher called about TOTAL DISCHARGE and when I will have the manuscript ready.

Those people are HUNGRY for publishable material.

Go get it folks; let your story be available worldwide.

Enough counseling;

Until Next Time,

Kirk Toncray

Book Signings are Unpredictable

As many of you know, local authors united and held a book signing in June. There were seven of us at the signing which was held at a St. Vincent DePaul location here in Eugene, Oregon. We all prepared well for the event–making sure we had adequate supplies of books, preparing for credit/debit card sales, ironing our Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes, and putting on our happy faces, but the turnout didn’t muster up the numbers we had all hoped for.

People are still asking me how the signing went and I respond by telling them, “Good.” That really isn’t true as it didn’t go well at all. Each author sold a book, maybe two. The reason for this is very simple. Location. People go to St. Vincent DePaul to purchase cheap books. Used books are obviously less expensive than new books and there is no shortage of titles to choose from. Since all we had were new books for sale, (much more expensive), we just could not compete even though our books would be signed by the author with the opportunity to chat and visit with seven authors. Even the free refreshments only lured in a few visitors but they didn’t go to waste. We all enjoyed the goodies.

This is not to say that all book signings are the same. A famous author, C. Hope Clark, which I have chatted with many times, explained to me years ago that book signings are unpredictable. Some go quite well with others being a total flop.

I will close by saying that I will attend any book signing that comes my way regardless of past experiences. I will keep a positive attitude and keep looking forward to meeting people and having a good time answering any questions that may come up.

Until next time,

Kirk Toncray

Website under construction

It's Not Easy

It’s been a long spell since my last post – is that getting old or what? –  I don’t really know how to begin except for dive in head first.

Writing Beyond the Signs is becoming more and more difficult as time goes by. There are people who are jerking my shirt-tail, asking; When is your next book coming? The truth is, I don’t know. Life has many curve balls and the pitcher is tilting an eye, signaling a drop ball at any moment.

swing, batta, batta, batta, batta, SWING!

Oh well, my heart still beats; the sun still rises every morning, (even though sometimes the clouds hide it); birds still chirp, and Beyond the Signs is still in the making.

It takes a great deal of effort to write something that has no conclusion. With novels, it really doesn’t matter. With a book that contains all truth, well, it’s an entirely different story. When a writer involves things that are intimate and close to the heart, sometimes focus becomes oblique. That is what is happening here:

My friend, Lisa Cissna, is in pain and lost her loved one, Robert, in a tragic motorcycle accident. This puts one more chapter in Beyond the Signs as she and others struggle through traumatic episodes that life puts us all through.

God bless you, Lisa.

I’ll stop being selfish and leave it there.

Until next time,

-Kirk Toncray

Temporary Website:

REGRETS and Working through Them

Regrets

I haven’t posted a blog for quite some time. My mom passed away less than two weeks ago and I have feelings that I never knew existed before. My mom was such a special person; she never gave up on me; inspired my writing; enforced true values, and helped so many people who thought their lives weren’t worth a shit.

So many times did I stand on the street corner, flying a sign, and here came either a red Ford Escort or a white Lincoln Town Car, when it was my mom. She didn’t want anything but the best for everyone out there in the pouring rain and bitter cold to be fed and be safe. She gave clothes and boots to so many people in need and wanted absolutely nothing in return.

I turned my back many times on my mom, thinking she was only out to be judgmental and turn her nose up. I ran from the sight of her. Now I wish she was here with me as I continue my books.

Now the shoe is on the other foot and I realize what her and my dad were set out to do.

Every time I turn a corner, on the bus, in a car, or on foot, I find things about her that I will miss forever.

I haven’t written in Beyond the Signs for several months and I believe this is a big reason.
On the other hand there is a publisher who is seriously considering an excellent contract concerning TOTAL DISCHARGE. Publishing a book is a huge hassle and careful consideration is best. Mom was very good at that, as well as many, many other things.

I already know where this dedication is going...

This is part of the last chapter. (The language is a spicy so be prepared):

*********************************************************************************

“Nice to meet you, Moe.”

“I CAN HEAR YOU…I CAN HEAR MYSELF!”

“Taint fo long do; white boy, dat mudda fucka is a cumin again.”

Half frightened out of his wits, Brandon reached out to a hand. It felt like a leather baseball mitt, and shook the third and fourth finger of a hand, a promising hand, a hand from above.

“I’m here to hep you boys. Ain’t nuttin’ gunna change till we find dat mudda fuka and find the peach pie for his plan.”

   Brandon, looking into bloodshot eyes, jerked hard enough to slowly, painfully, release the man’s huge, bloody fingers from the intense grasp.

“How do you suppose we do that?”

“Don’t patronize me, white boy. We gots a job to do.”

“I’m sorry, Moe. It’s been one hell of a week.”

“Tell me ‘bout it. I gots an ingrown on my left ‘biggen that dat makes me limp like a three legged dog. Don’t you be a tellin me nuttin ‘bout pain.”

“Okay, Moe, you seem to have an insight on what has happened. How do we stop this bastard from striking again?”

Moe suddenly became very serious. “I've been with the N.S.A., working under cover for over twelve years. I know who he is and what his plans have been and are. Inside every module he drops, he hides a video camera. It links via satellite directly to him. We find that camera, we send a message to him. He knows me. He knows how I like my toast in the morning. He knows how many cubes of sugar I like in my coffee. He knows that I know him better than he knows himself. Let’s go tear that thing apart, find the video uplink, and send the dirty bastard a strong message.”

Totally bewildered, Brandon’s eyebrows reached his own receding hairline. Nodding his head, he asked his new friend, “What is your real name?”

“James Moses Bend. Just call me Jim from now on, okay?”

“Okay, Jim. Let’s go see what we can do.”


Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray
toncrayrk@gmail.com

The Rope

The Rope

Hello Everyone,

It’s been a while since I have the possibility to blog. For this, I apologize. Let’s get on with it, Okay?

We all have ropes to climb. Sometimes our grasp lets go and we fall directly on our asses. It hurts for a spell but it ain’t…(oops, proper English, here – Thank You Karen Meyers) isn’t worth a shit if there is no pain. Rope can cause a deep, painful sensation that will cause a person to use the weight on top of their shoulders for something other than a counterweight for our weight-gaining butts.

When we climb that damned rope, ignore the pain(s) in our ass and keep going upward and achieve the goals we have focused on.

When it rains, it pours, making that fricken rope even slicker. Keep climbing, the rope can't bee that out of reach.

Ugh!

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray-Author

Short and Sweet

Due to demand for si-fi books being greater than memoir or autobiography, I have altered the focus of my work to my hard science fiction story, Total Discharge. I will resume writing Beyond the Signs after I complete my novel. Another reason I decided to focus my attention on Total Discharge is I can see where the story will have a conclusion. Beyond the Signs has no foreseeable conclusion, therefore making it one of the more difficult books to write.

Until next time,

Kirk Toncray

(website under construction)

Food Stamps

When it comes to people helping people, some fade in and some fade out. It seems the ones who are well-off, the ones who fade out, are the ones who make the decisions which are based upon their own experience. When it gets right down to the nitty-gritty, who should be making those decisions, the rich? – Hell no! They already have a warm place to sleep, a bathroom to piss in when morning comes, and FOOD TO EAT.

It came upon me today when a very dear friend who volunteers relentlessly for non-profit organizations that help homeless persons. This person struggles to make ends meet, but still does the duty of volunteering time, especially during harsh weather conditions. This person does an excellent job of placing food on the table, even when funds are very low.

This person was turned away for 5 days for a replacement EBT, SNAP, ‘Food Stamp’ card because the one in use was misplaced. The new card must now be mailed, instead of issuing one on the spot at DHS. (The way it used to be). We all know how that story goes… Government agencies suck. Luckily, this person will not starve. This person is stringing along by the skin of teeth but maintains an apartment, with heat, and a refrigerator with some food to eat.

What about homeless persons who do not have an address for a new card to be mailed to? What about them? What should they do? Answer me that, big-shot government people. Chew on that donut and wash that one down with your Starbucks!

What the HELL is going on here? To all of you that vote, take a good, solid look at what is really going on. If you are one of those who think food stamps should be eliminated because some people are lazy, my email address is posted below. Give me a holler. Make sure you give me your return address. You WILL hear back!

Until Next Time,

Kirk Toncray

toncrayrk@gmail.com

Sharing

Exhaustion comes pretty darn close but dedication comes even closer. Our recent activations at the Egan Warming Centers brought out the heart that exists in all of us. It not only exists within the dedicated volunteers on staff, but also the many guests that have nowhere else to go. When temperatures reach dangerous levels, these persons know what it’s like to live in pure ice-cold-Hell. For the most part, these persons don’t complain. These persons just want, need, and deserve a safe, warm place to sleep. Some hot food and an ear to listen does wonders too.

To all those who care, and guests far and near, remember who you really are and join us. 

Beyond the Signs – Chapter 8 excerpt

Responsibilities and Issues

Even though my life seemed to be moving in a positive way and things were working out the way they should, I never once left behind the thought that at any given time, something could go afoul and muster a world of dust. What I mean is reality. No matter how much a person tries to avoid reality, it never goes away. Just when it seems like everything is fine and dandy, something will inevitably jump up and bite you right in the ass.

I have never been fond of banks. Past experience has led me to believe that they are just not trustworthy. At this point, I must at least have a checking account so I figured; what the hell. I might as well have a savings account too. That ran into problems which I never anticipated. I learned really fast that when automatic payments are set-up, that money must be in the proper account on time. If it’s not, well, penalties are a sure thing.

This is when I realized how little responsibility I had during the years I was homeless. Basically, there were no bills that I could manage because I had no money. I could name all my outstanding debts on one hand and have fingers left over. True, those are fairly large bills and there was no way in Hell I could pay on them so unfortunately they never reduced but instead increased in size due to interest. The good part is I didn’t need to worry about the bills. The bad part – now I feel that I must pay on them since I do have income.

When a person is homeless, and the only income gained is from flying a sign or working under-the-table jobs, money goes for items used for survival. Comfort items are another item that are often overlooked, such as deodorant, toothpaste, and items that ordinarily would be considered hygiene. True, a large portion of the money goes towards non-necessities, but for the most part it’s for sleeping bags, clothing, food, whatever is needed for the basics.

I shopped around and found a bank that I felt comfortable with so I had a checking and savings account established. Since I was still fresh off the streets, I bit off a little more than I could chew. The reality alarm sounded when ordering items online and using a debit card, while signing up for direct payment on many monthly bills, all collectively formed a fricken mess. Even though I had money in the bank, there were times when it just simply didn’t cross my mind to transfer funds from savings to checking to cover all of my purchases. It doesn’t take long to realize that the end of the month rolls around rather quickly. By the third month of having my bank accounts, website, cellular phone, etc., I visited my online checking account balance and found it in the red, highlighting a shit-pile of thirty-five dollar overdraft fees. Fortunately, my overdraft protection paid these bills so I never received any of those lovely notices that state; Insufficient Funds. A quick click or two of my computer mouse generated a fund transfer from savings to checking to rectify the foul-up but the fact still remained that the bank had paid these bills and also stuck me for over a hundred bucks for doing so. Damn that hurt.

This happened a second time when I found myself standing in front of the cashier at my favorite department store. Talk about embarrassed, I felt like I was on top of the world, sporting decent clothes and nice boots, whipping out my debit card like it was some sort of fashion statement. Well, to me it was. Heck, I had never even used one, even before I went homeless. I thought; I’m right up with the big boys now, by golly! Then came the disappointing words from the cashier, right in front of God and everybody, “Sir, this card has been declined.”

Shit!

I could feel my face turning four different shades of red, including purple, as I tucked tail and headed out the door. I never looked behind me until I hopped on the bus. After swapping money around at the bank, I jumped back on the bus, went back to the same store and gathered the same items. I made damn sure I found the same cashier to check my items. I don’t really think it made a rat’s ass in Honky-Town to the cashier or to anyone else that I did have money, but it sure did make me feel better to whip out that damn debit card and pay for those items.

Until next time,

Kirk Toncray

WEBSITE

The Need is Great

Compassion for the Homeless:

Reality of homeless situations really comes into play as the cold season unexpectedly hits. Many persons aren’t as prepared for nasty weather as one would like to be, furthering the basic survival needs such as a warm place to sleep. Our last cold spell just took place, just after Thanksgiving of this year. In our area, we set record low temperatures night after night, forcing warming centers to stay open longer and earlier than anticipated.

In our area, this ultimately meant depleting a large portion of the budget and placing a great deal of strain on our volunteer staff. With the official beginning of winter being on December 21, we were 18 days ahead of the solstice. A quick check of The Farmer’s Almanac reveals data which states a colder than usual winter ahead with a higher chance of snow in our region.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this means we are in for a real doozy. With the money gone, and resources nearly depleted, in means an urgent meeting for the leadership of our group, the Egan Warming Center network, to search for alternative methods of funding for our mission of saving lives during potentially fatal cold nights.

With this being said, hopefully there will be some help from local businesses as well as the general public to recognize the urgent need for these types of organizations so they can stay in operation during the coldest, deadliest part of the year. In short, ‘tis the season for giving, and personally, I can’t think of a better way to contribute than offer a little compassion for those who need it the most.

Until next time,

Kirk Toncray

WEBSITE

Never a Dull Moment

It seems like every holiday season brings up new and challenging situations. This year seems to be a little busier than the past years for me. Several factors are in this equation, the most serious of which are one; my mom is scheduled for major surgery the week of Thanksgiving, and two; my grandmother (on my mom’s side) passed away early this morning. If that’s not enough, the weather has to pull a nasty and toss a few gnarly tornadoes into the area where my grandmother and most of my mom’s family live.

A quick look at the Egan Warming Center website shows me that the average temperature from all data collected means temperatures at 28 degrees for Wednesday night. That means we will probably activate the warming centers to lower the risk of homeless persons freezing to death during the night. With all that said, here’s an excerpt from Behind the Signs about cold temperatures and some of the things homeless persons must deal with for survival.

Behind the Signs – Chapter 3

  

    I needed something to lie on and cover me so I went on a cardboard hunt. I walked behind the supermarket and found just what I needed. I scored one large box, kind of thick, and one that was thinner but larger to use as a cover. I carried the cardboard over to the makeshift sleeping area and proceeded to make a bed. My pillow consisted of an oval shaped river rock about eight inches long and five inches in diameter. It was the perfect size. It wasn't soft, it was a rock of course, but at least it was some elevation for my head.

    After I had everything in place I went for a walk around the area. After that I walked over to McDonald’s to warm up and use their facilities one last time before returning to my new found comfort zone for what would be a night of cold, wet sleep.

    The rain drops on the cardboard kept a constant enough rhythm to put me to sleep. I was exhausted anyway so sleep came relatively easily. When my bladder wakened me that it was time to pee, I rolled out from under the cardboard to discover that I was sleeping under a white blanket of snow. I finished my business and crawled back underneath and fell back asleep. I woke up again at daylight and figured the best thing to do would be pick up all the cardboard and place it back in the recycle bin before things got busy. After that I walked over to the mini-mart for a cup of hot coffee, taking as long as possible to warm up as much as I could.

If you've ever been in a similar situation, leave a comment. We'd love to hear your story.

Until Next Time,

Kirk Toncray

WEBSITE

Beyond the Signs | Part II

Chapter 6: Frustrations (Second Half)

Paying for the Trespassing III citation brought up an interesting scenario. My parents approached me about this citation and the upcoming court appearance, subsequently offering to pay for the ridiculous four-hundred and something dollar ticket. Not having a dime to my name, literally, I was somewhat forced into this generous offering, knowing at the same time that it was only going to toss more and more eggshells in my path. It did.

On the day of the hearing, I dressed up in clothing that mom and dad had purchased for me and prepared for the worst. Entering any courtroom is always a pleasant experience so I was already sweating like a whore in church by the time the judge walked into the courtroom and the famous words were spoken: All Rise.

As the proceedings began, alphabetically of course, I could feel my heart pounding. I just knew I was just about due for another hammering over the damn child support thing and the way the system is all linked together, I figured I was headed from the courthouse to the jail – I have been there and done that.

Surprisingly, when my turn came up, my so-called attorney, whom I had never met, told me to not say a thing until spoken to by the judge. When it came down to the nuts and bolts of the case, the judge asked if I was working. My attorney said, “Mr. Toncray is not working due to a disability and awaiting results from an appeal from Social Security.”

The judge looked at the District Attorney, who in turn was looking at me, and then he spun his head and focused on my posture and eye contact. He then asked me, “Do you have an attorney for your Social Security Appeal?”

“No, your honor, I do not.” The wavering words slipped from my trembling lips.

“To be successful with an appeal with Social Security, you will need an attorney. Nine out of ten cases will be turned down without an attorney,” the judge informed me.

My eyes must have been as big as golf balls. I was absolutely astonished at the sincerity of the judge and his advice. He was actually helping me with a totally unrelated issue instead of hammering me with the citation. Feeling uncomfortable is an understatement. Judges are supposed to mean, uncaring assholes who only want to screw up your life even more, not help you, I thought.

I left the courthouse unscathed and more educated on methods to win a case with The Social Security Administration. Accepted my parents’ check, paid my trespassing fine in full, and went online to find a suitable attorney. Upon a diligent search, I found a firm based in Utah ant responded to my email in a timely fashion with utmost professionalism so I chose them for my case.

Attempting to complete Behind the Signs was challenging and I was becoming more and more frustrated with my living circumstances. I needed to speak with Beth about the final chapters and what actually happened. At the same time, assist my attorneys any way I could. Ultimately, this gave me an open door to hop on the bus and head for the employment office where there are computers with high-speed internet. My dad was saving a few bucks by retaining his old dial-up internet service and nobody could persuade him otherwise. When there are important issues on the line, waiting for dial-up internet service is not the way to go. It’s like trying to sink a boat using pea gravel. You will eventually get it done, but plan on spending some time doing it. I utilized this time to contact Beth and make notes on the final chapters and send and receive documents from my attorneys.

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray
WEBSITE