Beyond the Signs – Connections

Chapter 5

Connections

Everyone needs someone to talk to, someone who will listen, hopefully someone who has been there and done that. It is very difficult to find the latter; many people have confronted similar situations but never with quite the same circumstances. Many people modify their stories to make themselves appear to be in-the-know but at the same time, making a total fool of themselves in the eyes of someone who actually has the experience. This is true in many instances, not just homelessness.

Homeless persons share a unique bond, similar to soldiers. I often refer being homeless as very similar to soldiers because of the intense and difficult living situations that arise. While it’s true that homeless persons generally are not subject to intense violence, the bond between them differs only slightly from a platoon or battalion.

Communication is important among homeless persons as it is a military action. Homeless persons depend on one another when it comes to streaming important information from one camp to another or even beyond. This is especially true as bad weather approaches and special preparation must take place.

Usually, at least one person within a certain area of homeless camps has a cellular telephone in his or her possession to gather important information or obtain police or medical help when and if needed. A radio is also an important communication device among homeless persons. Such things as upcoming weather conditions play a major part in preparation, as do local emergency activities. Keeping up on the news is important. Therefore many times one person will purchase a newspaper and pass it along for others to read.

Now for the sticky part: Once a person gets off the streets and once again enters ‘normal’ society, all the previous contacts and connections seem to disappear. For me, it was almost like the persons I knew on the streets wanted nothing to do with me. Was it jealously? Was it low self-esteem? I don’t know. It seemed like the persons whom I spent so many days and nights with, the ones who struggled right along beside me, walked the other direction as I either stepped off the bus or from a vehicle. In fact, there were many stories that suddenly cropped up that seemed almost like some sort of an injunction against me. This in itself is sad, due to the bond we had built amongst ourselves through those horrible years.

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray
-Website is under construction-

Chapter 4 continued

When I wrote Behind the Signs, just being able to express my thoughts and memories without actually telling someone face-to-face helped immensely, although trying to explain to others what it was actually like to be homeless only seemed to make the eggshell scenario worse. Here’s why: When I speak to others in person about the years I spent homeless, most people try to put themselves in my shoes, with good intentions of course. Even at that, a large percentage of these persons always seem to think they have a ‘leg up’ on what it was actually like. Those individuals believe that their own personal experiences are equal to or worse than the hardships I went through. Those persons generally come at me with responses like; I know what it’s like. When I was a kid…

Sorry folks. Unless you've lived it, there is no way you can know what challenges one must face and what it is actually like to exist in that miserable lifestyle.

Walking on eggshells goes hand in hand with social phobia as I mentioned before. Much of the social phobia stems from the shame of other people seeing me on the streets, knowing what my life was like before it fell to pieces. This condition is described as: Fear of embarrassment before people.

Walking on eggshells continued to get worse, not better, as I knuckled down and really went to work writing Behind the Signs. I joined several on-line author clubs and internet communities, looking on tips on finding publishers and the proper way to write a book. One of the most important things I learned from these groups and author chat rooms is to develop a social network profile.

These days there are several social networks that are free for anyone to use, the largest at this time being Facebook. One publisher in particular that I contacted about possibly publishing Behind the Signs strongly suggested that I keep my online profile spotlessly clean.

Her words are forever embedded in my mind; “Stay away from political and religious subject matter and get rid of any online friends that repeatedly post vulgar or subjective comments. Do not allow foul language or anything that might offend anyone. Bottom line, as a publisher, I know this for a fact. We WILL Google you, I guarantee it!”

That advice didn’t only change the way I govern my social media activities, it also drifted into daily life. There went another carton of eggshells dumped at my feet. This is a different variety of shells but the crunch experience is the same. To this day I try to tread very lightly, taking every step with caution, as to not break even one shell.

Dealing with social phobia was the most severe during the first three or four years after I was off the streets and piecing my life back together. I found that while writing Behind the Signs and announcing my progress on social networks and creating a blog plus a website helped tremendously. When people began conversations with me through Facebook, chat rooms, and my website via email, I answered each question as honestly as I could. I found that most people don’t really know what to say or how to react. I guess I put some eggshells in front of those persons. My intentions are not to make anyone uncomfortable, just let the truth be known.

Website Down for Rebuild

Since my upcoming books, Beyond the Signs and Total Discharge, are governing my writing time, I have decided to go ahead and totally revamp my website. This decision was made partly because it is now time to renew my subscription and that costs a chunk of change. Therefore, kirktoncray(dot)com will be offline for about a month.

Some people say that it only takes twelve to twenty hours to have a website up and running but I have found for me that it is a necessary battle that never ends. There are videos and pictures that need to be processed as well as permissions to obtain. All these things take time but I will do my best to have it up as soon as possible and modify it as the days go by.

I will continue this blog to keep everyone updated and hopefully my new site will be pleasingly delightful to your eyes and mind.

Until the next entry,
Kirk Toncray

-Website not available at this time-

Beyond the Signs – another excerpt

Chapter 4

Eggshells

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like you just don’t belong, like you shouldn't be there, like you don’t deserve to be standing, sitting, or even breathing? Sure you have, unless you were born under a rock and don’t give a damn about anyone but yourself. If you feel like that, stop reading this book now because you won’t get anything from it. It will only give you more fuel to continue your selfish, arrogant, self centered life.

For the rest of us who have at least a trace of a heart, we've been there, feeling like a thistle in a patch of dandelions. We stand out like a sore thumb. At least that’s the way a person feels when negative thoughts pound in the head like; Hey, I don’t belong here; I don’t fit in. Those are terrible feelings and very difficult to avoid no matter how hard others try to make you comfortable.

As I mentioned earlier, I felt that way while staying with my parents but that wasn’t all of it. I felt that way, and to an extent still do, everywhere I went. It boiled clear down to little things such as who was going to grab a box of Cheerios at the supermarket. Should I get one first or let the person behind spend ten minutes deciding on Honey-Nut or regular? I knew what I wanted but felt obligated to let the other person go first because he or she is probably better and more deserving to go first than me, a person who spent years living on the streets.

I always feel labeled, like most persons are better than me simply because most persons never had to live the nasty, filthy, inappropriate lifestyle that myself and many other homeless persons have lived. The label that I carry is Former Homeless Person. It’s a tag I will never lose because it is true. Being labeled isn’t fun and nobody should wear one simply because life puts people in situations that are beyond control. A police officer wears a badge and usually sports it with pride. Most former homeless persons choose not to wear such a decoration. The stigma is still there but usually not advertised unless knowledge of previous situations could be beneficial to others. Most people don’t see it; it isn't visible, but it’s there.

Feeling like I am walking on eggshells also promotes paranoia. Shortly after I got ‘off the streets’ and was able to go grocery shopping, eat at a restaurant, or appear in other public places, I always felt like there were eyes upon me. Often, people have come to me and said things like; I’ve seen you before. You look great.

While that is somewhat flattering, the puff of it goes away almost immediately when their back is turned as I move in the other direction. That’s when the paranoia gains more traction and the eggshells get crunchier. The breaking shells get louder with every footstep I take. I just want to leave the entire area and hide. I don’t want eyes staring at me. I don’t know what is going through people’s minds. Is it sarcasm? Could it be pity? Am I being applauded? I never know as I continue with my business and try not to fall into a panic attack.

The sensation of walking on eggshells sneaks in from all different directions. Even though my parents did their best to make me comfortable at their home, it was still their home and I often felt like I was an intruder. It became so difficult for me to accept that I often felt guilty for vacuuming the carpet or doing the dishes, knowing that I might be doing it a different way than the chores are usually performed. I feared that I might be disturbing someone from the noise from the vacuum cleaner, the lawnmower, or even the washing machine. In the middle of the night when Mother Nature calls and I needed to go pee, I wondered about flushing the toilet or not closing my bedroom door gently enough so there wouldn't be an audible ‘click’.

It wasn't just at my parents’ house that I felt the eggshell effect. It happened everywhere. I would get on the bus and feel like I shouldn't pull the Next Stop cord unless someone else was getting off at that stop too. I felt like I just might be taking too much time getting on or off the bus and disrupting someone else's busy schedule.

All of these things stem from being homeless and lowering my self-esteem so low that I don’t want to bother anyone with anything. I felt like I am not deserving enough to act the same way as others do or enjoy anything that a ‘normal’ person would.

Until Next Time,

Kirk Toncray

WEBSITE

First Sample

I have decided to include a few sample chapters on this weblog to give some insight on my latest book, Beyond the Signs – Behind the Signs part II. This is the first entry:

Chapter 3

Shame and Hiding

Mornings were a real bitch for me. Feeling unwelcome was only part of it even though it was only in my head, not in reality. My parents did their best to make me feel as comfortable as possible but somehow I still felt out of place, like I didn't belong. I will go into more detail about that later in this book.

Crawling from bed proved to be a real hassle due to the persistent infection in my leg that still required attention several times a day. I spent nearly a half an hour each morning taking care of the leg so the infection would go away completely. This required putting on latex gloves and using sterile gauze pads to dip into a jar of special anti-bacteria ointment which also included antibiotics. Each time I applied a film of the cream I had to use a new gauze pad so the remaining cream in the jar would remain sterile and pure. It usually took five or six pads per session.

After the cream was applied, my mom insisted on looking at the infection and she would usually call my dad into the bathroom to inspect it as well. This took its toll on my ego. I really don’t know why, it just seemed like I was once again being treated like a child. After all, I had just came off the streets, so to speak, and when I was on my own, I was somewhat forced into taking the Rambo approach on things of this nature. What I mean is; Do it or die, Buckwheat, you’re on your own. I had nobody, really, to take care of me; it was strictly dog-eat-dog.

After the parental inspection was complete, on came a new pair of latex gloves to cut medical tape and cover the infected and treated area with a bandage and several strips of tape. After that was applied I wrapped another layer of a different type of tape all the way around my let for further protection. There really wasn't any pain involved, which was surprising. Looking at that leg with that God-awful infection was enough to make a goat puke but it really didn’t hurt. It just looked disgustingly terrible.

When that job was completed and I cleaned up the mess, washed my hands and brushed my teeth. It was then time to hobble out and pour myself a cup of coffee. Most mornings I would yell, “Anybody need more coffee?” My dad would usually grab his cup and chug whatever was left and yell, “Yes!” That became a joke between us for several years. It happened almost every morning. It was sort of one of those; I really don’t know what to say so let’s just keep the conversation at this level, sort of things. You know what I mean; we've all been there before

More next week

Kirk Toncray

WEBSITE

Starting Part II

Since Behind the Signs was published nearly a year ago, I figured I better get off my lazy duff and begin what many people have been asking for. Requests have been flowing my way from all directions to write about my life beyond homelessness.

I have started to write the book about life now and what I foresee in the future and have decided to entitle it Beyond the Signs – Behind the Signs part II. Basically, the book begins with much of the preface from Behind the Signs then slowly evolves into answering the question myself and many others have asked me. How did you enter back into a normal lifestyle, back into society? Answering that question will make chapter one quite long and interesting since I don’t know the answer myself, mostly because I am still figuring that one out. Maybe by the time I am done with this book I will be able to answer that question.

I am guessing that when it is all said and done, I will be able to help others who are making the difficult transition back into normal society, whatever that means.

Until Next Time,

Kirk Toncray

WEBSITE