Sharing

Exhaustion comes pretty darn close but dedication comes even closer. Our recent activations at the Egan Warming Centers brought out the heart that exists in all of us. It not only exists within the dedicated volunteers on staff, but also the many guests that have nowhere else to go. When temperatures reach dangerous levels, these persons know what it’s like to live in pure ice-cold-Hell. For the most part, these persons don’t complain. These persons just want, need, and deserve a safe, warm place to sleep. Some hot food and an ear to listen does wonders too.

To all those who care, and guests far and near, remember who you really are and join us. 

Beyond the Signs – Chapter 8 excerpt

Responsibilities and Issues

Even though my life seemed to be moving in a positive way and things were working out the way they should, I never once left behind the thought that at any given time, something could go afoul and muster a world of dust. What I mean is reality. No matter how much a person tries to avoid reality, it never goes away. Just when it seems like everything is fine and dandy, something will inevitably jump up and bite you right in the ass.

I have never been fond of banks. Past experience has led me to believe that they are just not trustworthy. At this point, I must at least have a checking account so I figured; what the hell. I might as well have a savings account too. That ran into problems which I never anticipated. I learned really fast that when automatic payments are set-up, that money must be in the proper account on time. If it’s not, well, penalties are a sure thing.

This is when I realized how little responsibility I had during the years I was homeless. Basically, there were no bills that I could manage because I had no money. I could name all my outstanding debts on one hand and have fingers left over. True, those are fairly large bills and there was no way in Hell I could pay on them so unfortunately they never reduced but instead increased in size due to interest. The good part is I didn’t need to worry about the bills. The bad part – now I feel that I must pay on them since I do have income.

When a person is homeless, and the only income gained is from flying a sign or working under-the-table jobs, money goes for items used for survival. Comfort items are another item that are often overlooked, such as deodorant, toothpaste, and items that ordinarily would be considered hygiene. True, a large portion of the money goes towards non-necessities, but for the most part it’s for sleeping bags, clothing, food, whatever is needed for the basics.

I shopped around and found a bank that I felt comfortable with so I had a checking and savings account established. Since I was still fresh off the streets, I bit off a little more than I could chew. The reality alarm sounded when ordering items online and using a debit card, while signing up for direct payment on many monthly bills, all collectively formed a fricken mess. Even though I had money in the bank, there were times when it just simply didn’t cross my mind to transfer funds from savings to checking to cover all of my purchases. It doesn’t take long to realize that the end of the month rolls around rather quickly. By the third month of having my bank accounts, website, cellular phone, etc., I visited my online checking account balance and found it in the red, highlighting a shit-pile of thirty-five dollar overdraft fees. Fortunately, my overdraft protection paid these bills so I never received any of those lovely notices that state; Insufficient Funds. A quick click or two of my computer mouse generated a fund transfer from savings to checking to rectify the foul-up but the fact still remained that the bank had paid these bills and also stuck me for over a hundred bucks for doing so. Damn that hurt.

This happened a second time when I found myself standing in front of the cashier at my favorite department store. Talk about embarrassed, I felt like I was on top of the world, sporting decent clothes and nice boots, whipping out my debit card like it was some sort of fashion statement. Well, to me it was. Heck, I had never even used one, even before I went homeless. I thought; I’m right up with the big boys now, by golly! Then came the disappointing words from the cashier, right in front of God and everybody, “Sir, this card has been declined.”

Shit!

I could feel my face turning four different shades of red, including purple, as I tucked tail and headed out the door. I never looked behind me until I hopped on the bus. After swapping money around at the bank, I jumped back on the bus, went back to the same store and gathered the same items. I made damn sure I found the same cashier to check my items. I don’t really think it made a rat’s ass in Honky-Town to the cashier or to anyone else that I did have money, but it sure did make me feel better to whip out that damn debit card and pay for those items.

Until next time,

Kirk Toncray

WEBSITE

The Need is Great

Compassion for the Homeless:

Reality of homeless situations really comes into play as the cold season unexpectedly hits. Many persons aren’t as prepared for nasty weather as one would like to be, furthering the basic survival needs such as a warm place to sleep. Our last cold spell just took place, just after Thanksgiving of this year. In our area, we set record low temperatures night after night, forcing warming centers to stay open longer and earlier than anticipated.

In our area, this ultimately meant depleting a large portion of the budget and placing a great deal of strain on our volunteer staff. With the official beginning of winter being on December 21, we were 18 days ahead of the solstice. A quick check of The Farmer’s Almanac reveals data which states a colder than usual winter ahead with a higher chance of snow in our region.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this means we are in for a real doozy. With the money gone, and resources nearly depleted, in means an urgent meeting for the leadership of our group, the Egan Warming Center network, to search for alternative methods of funding for our mission of saving lives during potentially fatal cold nights.

With this being said, hopefully there will be some help from local businesses as well as the general public to recognize the urgent need for these types of organizations so they can stay in operation during the coldest, deadliest part of the year. In short, ‘tis the season for giving, and personally, I can’t think of a better way to contribute than offer a little compassion for those who need it the most.

Until next time,

Kirk Toncray

WEBSITE

Never a Dull Moment

It seems like every holiday season brings up new and challenging situations. This year seems to be a little busier than the past years for me. Several factors are in this equation, the most serious of which are one; my mom is scheduled for major surgery the week of Thanksgiving, and two; my grandmother (on my mom’s side) passed away early this morning. If that’s not enough, the weather has to pull a nasty and toss a few gnarly tornadoes into the area where my grandmother and most of my mom’s family live.

A quick look at the Egan Warming Center website shows me that the average temperature from all data collected means temperatures at 28 degrees for Wednesday night. That means we will probably activate the warming centers to lower the risk of homeless persons freezing to death during the night. With all that said, here’s an excerpt from Behind the Signs about cold temperatures and some of the things homeless persons must deal with for survival.

Behind the Signs – Chapter 3

  

    I needed something to lie on and cover me so I went on a cardboard hunt. I walked behind the supermarket and found just what I needed. I scored one large box, kind of thick, and one that was thinner but larger to use as a cover. I carried the cardboard over to the makeshift sleeping area and proceeded to make a bed. My pillow consisted of an oval shaped river rock about eight inches long and five inches in diameter. It was the perfect size. It wasn't soft, it was a rock of course, but at least it was some elevation for my head.

    After I had everything in place I went for a walk around the area. After that I walked over to McDonald’s to warm up and use their facilities one last time before returning to my new found comfort zone for what would be a night of cold, wet sleep.

    The rain drops on the cardboard kept a constant enough rhythm to put me to sleep. I was exhausted anyway so sleep came relatively easily. When my bladder wakened me that it was time to pee, I rolled out from under the cardboard to discover that I was sleeping under a white blanket of snow. I finished my business and crawled back underneath and fell back asleep. I woke up again at daylight and figured the best thing to do would be pick up all the cardboard and place it back in the recycle bin before things got busy. After that I walked over to the mini-mart for a cup of hot coffee, taking as long as possible to warm up as much as I could.

If you've ever been in a similar situation, leave a comment. We'd love to hear your story.

Until Next Time,

Kirk Toncray

WEBSITE

Beyond the Signs | Part II

Chapter 6: Frustrations (Second Half)

Paying for the Trespassing III citation brought up an interesting scenario. My parents approached me about this citation and the upcoming court appearance, subsequently offering to pay for the ridiculous four-hundred and something dollar ticket. Not having a dime to my name, literally, I was somewhat forced into this generous offering, knowing at the same time that it was only going to toss more and more eggshells in my path. It did.

On the day of the hearing, I dressed up in clothing that mom and dad had purchased for me and prepared for the worst. Entering any courtroom is always a pleasant experience so I was already sweating like a whore in church by the time the judge walked into the courtroom and the famous words were spoken: All Rise.

As the proceedings began, alphabetically of course, I could feel my heart pounding. I just knew I was just about due for another hammering over the damn child support thing and the way the system is all linked together, I figured I was headed from the courthouse to the jail – I have been there and done that.

Surprisingly, when my turn came up, my so-called attorney, whom I had never met, told me to not say a thing until spoken to by the judge. When it came down to the nuts and bolts of the case, the judge asked if I was working. My attorney said, “Mr. Toncray is not working due to a disability and awaiting results from an appeal from Social Security.”

The judge looked at the District Attorney, who in turn was looking at me, and then he spun his head and focused on my posture and eye contact. He then asked me, “Do you have an attorney for your Social Security Appeal?”

“No, your honor, I do not.” The wavering words slipped from my trembling lips.

“To be successful with an appeal with Social Security, you will need an attorney. Nine out of ten cases will be turned down without an attorney,” the judge informed me.

My eyes must have been as big as golf balls. I was absolutely astonished at the sincerity of the judge and his advice. He was actually helping me with a totally unrelated issue instead of hammering me with the citation. Feeling uncomfortable is an understatement. Judges are supposed to mean, uncaring assholes who only want to screw up your life even more, not help you, I thought.

I left the courthouse unscathed and more educated on methods to win a case with The Social Security Administration. Accepted my parents’ check, paid my trespassing fine in full, and went online to find a suitable attorney. Upon a diligent search, I found a firm based in Utah ant responded to my email in a timely fashion with utmost professionalism so I chose them for my case.

Attempting to complete Behind the Signs was challenging and I was becoming more and more frustrated with my living circumstances. I needed to speak with Beth about the final chapters and what actually happened. At the same time, assist my attorneys any way I could. Ultimately, this gave me an open door to hop on the bus and head for the employment office where there are computers with high-speed internet. My dad was saving a few bucks by retaining his old dial-up internet service and nobody could persuade him otherwise. When there are important issues on the line, waiting for dial-up internet service is not the way to go. It’s like trying to sink a boat using pea gravel. You will eventually get it done, but plan on spending some time doing it. I utilized this time to contact Beth and make notes on the final chapters and send and receive documents from my attorneys.

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray
WEBSITE

Wingin' It

Outline

When I began writing Beyond the Signs, I had no outline whatsoever. In fact, I’m one of those writers who don’t use any kind of outline. I shoot from the hip and hope the bullet goes somewhere in the general direction of the target. Writing this book is a little different, there is no target.

All my other books (Behind the Signs, Total Discharge, Spokes) all had a foreseeable ending that I would aim at, filling in the blanks as I wrote. Beyond the Signs has nothing to shoot at. I haven’t lived that long. This book could go on and on without a conclusion.

This in itself creates more than one dilemma. The first is how to arrange the chapters in a sequence that won’t disrupt the flow. The second will come along when the publishing process begins. What genre will it be? I won’t know until it is finished but then I will probably need to go back and re-write much of the book in order for it to be categorized into a specific genre.

If and when you decide to write a book, remember this: It isn't just firing up the computer, word processor, or typewriter, and popping out a bunch of words. There is even more to it than I just mentioned here.

Until Next Time,

Kirk Toncray

Check out my updated  WEBSITE.

Beyond the Signs – Connections

Chapter 5

Connections

Everyone needs someone to talk to, someone who will listen, hopefully someone who has been there and done that. It is very difficult to find the latter; many people have confronted similar situations but never with quite the same circumstances. Many people modify their stories to make themselves appear to be in-the-know but at the same time, making a total fool of themselves in the eyes of someone who actually has the experience. This is true in many instances, not just homelessness.

Homeless persons share a unique bond, similar to soldiers. I often refer being homeless as very similar to soldiers because of the intense and difficult living situations that arise. While it’s true that homeless persons generally are not subject to intense violence, the bond between them differs only slightly from a platoon or battalion.

Communication is important among homeless persons as it is a military action. Homeless persons depend on one another when it comes to streaming important information from one camp to another or even beyond. This is especially true as bad weather approaches and special preparation must take place.

Usually, at least one person within a certain area of homeless camps has a cellular telephone in his or her possession to gather important information or obtain police or medical help when and if needed. A radio is also an important communication device among homeless persons. Such things as upcoming weather conditions play a major part in preparation, as do local emergency activities. Keeping up on the news is important. Therefore many times one person will purchase a newspaper and pass it along for others to read.

Now for the sticky part: Once a person gets off the streets and once again enters ‘normal’ society, all the previous contacts and connections seem to disappear. For me, it was almost like the persons I knew on the streets wanted nothing to do with me. Was it jealously? Was it low self-esteem? I don’t know. It seemed like the persons whom I spent so many days and nights with, the ones who struggled right along beside me, walked the other direction as I either stepped off the bus or from a vehicle. In fact, there were many stories that suddenly cropped up that seemed almost like some sort of an injunction against me. This in itself is sad, due to the bond we had built amongst ourselves through those horrible years.

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray
-Website is under construction-

Chapter 4 continued

When I wrote Behind the Signs, just being able to express my thoughts and memories without actually telling someone face-to-face helped immensely, although trying to explain to others what it was actually like to be homeless only seemed to make the eggshell scenario worse. Here’s why: When I speak to others in person about the years I spent homeless, most people try to put themselves in my shoes, with good intentions of course. Even at that, a large percentage of these persons always seem to think they have a ‘leg up’ on what it was actually like. Those individuals believe that their own personal experiences are equal to or worse than the hardships I went through. Those persons generally come at me with responses like; I know what it’s like. When I was a kid…

Sorry folks. Unless you've lived it, there is no way you can know what challenges one must face and what it is actually like to exist in that miserable lifestyle.

Walking on eggshells goes hand in hand with social phobia as I mentioned before. Much of the social phobia stems from the shame of other people seeing me on the streets, knowing what my life was like before it fell to pieces. This condition is described as: Fear of embarrassment before people.

Walking on eggshells continued to get worse, not better, as I knuckled down and really went to work writing Behind the Signs. I joined several on-line author clubs and internet communities, looking on tips on finding publishers and the proper way to write a book. One of the most important things I learned from these groups and author chat rooms is to develop a social network profile.

These days there are several social networks that are free for anyone to use, the largest at this time being Facebook. One publisher in particular that I contacted about possibly publishing Behind the Signs strongly suggested that I keep my online profile spotlessly clean.

Her words are forever embedded in my mind; “Stay away from political and religious subject matter and get rid of any online friends that repeatedly post vulgar or subjective comments. Do not allow foul language or anything that might offend anyone. Bottom line, as a publisher, I know this for a fact. We WILL Google you, I guarantee it!”

That advice didn’t only change the way I govern my social media activities, it also drifted into daily life. There went another carton of eggshells dumped at my feet. This is a different variety of shells but the crunch experience is the same. To this day I try to tread very lightly, taking every step with caution, as to not break even one shell.

Dealing with social phobia was the most severe during the first three or four years after I was off the streets and piecing my life back together. I found that while writing Behind the Signs and announcing my progress on social networks and creating a blog plus a website helped tremendously. When people began conversations with me through Facebook, chat rooms, and my website via email, I answered each question as honestly as I could. I found that most people don’t really know what to say or how to react. I guess I put some eggshells in front of those persons. My intentions are not to make anyone uncomfortable, just let the truth be known.

Website Down for Rebuild

Since my upcoming books, Beyond the Signs and Total Discharge, are governing my writing time, I have decided to go ahead and totally revamp my website. This decision was made partly because it is now time to renew my subscription and that costs a chunk of change. Therefore, kirktoncray(dot)com will be offline for about a month.

Some people say that it only takes twelve to twenty hours to have a website up and running but I have found for me that it is a necessary battle that never ends. There are videos and pictures that need to be processed as well as permissions to obtain. All these things take time but I will do my best to have it up as soon as possible and modify it as the days go by.

I will continue this blog to keep everyone updated and hopefully my new site will be pleasingly delightful to your eyes and mind.

Until the next entry,
Kirk Toncray

-Website not available at this time-

Beyond the Signs – another excerpt

Chapter 4

Eggshells

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like you just don’t belong, like you shouldn't be there, like you don’t deserve to be standing, sitting, or even breathing? Sure you have, unless you were born under a rock and don’t give a damn about anyone but yourself. If you feel like that, stop reading this book now because you won’t get anything from it. It will only give you more fuel to continue your selfish, arrogant, self centered life.

For the rest of us who have at least a trace of a heart, we've been there, feeling like a thistle in a patch of dandelions. We stand out like a sore thumb. At least that’s the way a person feels when negative thoughts pound in the head like; Hey, I don’t belong here; I don’t fit in. Those are terrible feelings and very difficult to avoid no matter how hard others try to make you comfortable.

As I mentioned earlier, I felt that way while staying with my parents but that wasn’t all of it. I felt that way, and to an extent still do, everywhere I went. It boiled clear down to little things such as who was going to grab a box of Cheerios at the supermarket. Should I get one first or let the person behind spend ten minutes deciding on Honey-Nut or regular? I knew what I wanted but felt obligated to let the other person go first because he or she is probably better and more deserving to go first than me, a person who spent years living on the streets.

I always feel labeled, like most persons are better than me simply because most persons never had to live the nasty, filthy, inappropriate lifestyle that myself and many other homeless persons have lived. The label that I carry is Former Homeless Person. It’s a tag I will never lose because it is true. Being labeled isn’t fun and nobody should wear one simply because life puts people in situations that are beyond control. A police officer wears a badge and usually sports it with pride. Most former homeless persons choose not to wear such a decoration. The stigma is still there but usually not advertised unless knowledge of previous situations could be beneficial to others. Most people don’t see it; it isn't visible, but it’s there.

Feeling like I am walking on eggshells also promotes paranoia. Shortly after I got ‘off the streets’ and was able to go grocery shopping, eat at a restaurant, or appear in other public places, I always felt like there were eyes upon me. Often, people have come to me and said things like; I’ve seen you before. You look great.

While that is somewhat flattering, the puff of it goes away almost immediately when their back is turned as I move in the other direction. That’s when the paranoia gains more traction and the eggshells get crunchier. The breaking shells get louder with every footstep I take. I just want to leave the entire area and hide. I don’t want eyes staring at me. I don’t know what is going through people’s minds. Is it sarcasm? Could it be pity? Am I being applauded? I never know as I continue with my business and try not to fall into a panic attack.

The sensation of walking on eggshells sneaks in from all different directions. Even though my parents did their best to make me comfortable at their home, it was still their home and I often felt like I was an intruder. It became so difficult for me to accept that I often felt guilty for vacuuming the carpet or doing the dishes, knowing that I might be doing it a different way than the chores are usually performed. I feared that I might be disturbing someone from the noise from the vacuum cleaner, the lawnmower, or even the washing machine. In the middle of the night when Mother Nature calls and I needed to go pee, I wondered about flushing the toilet or not closing my bedroom door gently enough so there wouldn't be an audible ‘click’.

It wasn't just at my parents’ house that I felt the eggshell effect. It happened everywhere. I would get on the bus and feel like I shouldn't pull the Next Stop cord unless someone else was getting off at that stop too. I felt like I just might be taking too much time getting on or off the bus and disrupting someone else's busy schedule.

All of these things stem from being homeless and lowering my self-esteem so low that I don’t want to bother anyone with anything. I felt like I am not deserving enough to act the same way as others do or enjoy anything that a ‘normal’ person would.

Until Next Time,

Kirk Toncray

WEBSITE

First Sample

I have decided to include a few sample chapters on this weblog to give some insight on my latest book, Beyond the Signs – Behind the Signs part II. This is the first entry:

Chapter 3

Shame and Hiding

Mornings were a real bitch for me. Feeling unwelcome was only part of it even though it was only in my head, not in reality. My parents did their best to make me feel as comfortable as possible but somehow I still felt out of place, like I didn't belong. I will go into more detail about that later in this book.

Crawling from bed proved to be a real hassle due to the persistent infection in my leg that still required attention several times a day. I spent nearly a half an hour each morning taking care of the leg so the infection would go away completely. This required putting on latex gloves and using sterile gauze pads to dip into a jar of special anti-bacteria ointment which also included antibiotics. Each time I applied a film of the cream I had to use a new gauze pad so the remaining cream in the jar would remain sterile and pure. It usually took five or six pads per session.

After the cream was applied, my mom insisted on looking at the infection and she would usually call my dad into the bathroom to inspect it as well. This took its toll on my ego. I really don’t know why, it just seemed like I was once again being treated like a child. After all, I had just came off the streets, so to speak, and when I was on my own, I was somewhat forced into taking the Rambo approach on things of this nature. What I mean is; Do it or die, Buckwheat, you’re on your own. I had nobody, really, to take care of me; it was strictly dog-eat-dog.

After the parental inspection was complete, on came a new pair of latex gloves to cut medical tape and cover the infected and treated area with a bandage and several strips of tape. After that was applied I wrapped another layer of a different type of tape all the way around my let for further protection. There really wasn't any pain involved, which was surprising. Looking at that leg with that God-awful infection was enough to make a goat puke but it really didn’t hurt. It just looked disgustingly terrible.

When that job was completed and I cleaned up the mess, washed my hands and brushed my teeth. It was then time to hobble out and pour myself a cup of coffee. Most mornings I would yell, “Anybody need more coffee?” My dad would usually grab his cup and chug whatever was left and yell, “Yes!” That became a joke between us for several years. It happened almost every morning. It was sort of one of those; I really don’t know what to say so let’s just keep the conversation at this level, sort of things. You know what I mean; we've all been there before

More next week

Kirk Toncray

WEBSITE

Starting Part II

Since Behind the Signs was published nearly a year ago, I figured I better get off my lazy duff and begin what many people have been asking for. Requests have been flowing my way from all directions to write about my life beyond homelessness.

I have started to write the book about life now and what I foresee in the future and have decided to entitle it Beyond the Signs – Behind the Signs part II. Basically, the book begins with much of the preface from Behind the Signs then slowly evolves into answering the question myself and many others have asked me. How did you enter back into a normal lifestyle, back into society? Answering that question will make chapter one quite long and interesting since I don’t know the answer myself, mostly because I am still figuring that one out. Maybe by the time I am done with this book I will be able to answer that question.

I am guessing that when it is all said and done, I will be able to help others who are making the difficult transition back into normal society, whatever that means.

Until Next Time,

Kirk Toncray

WEBSITE

Yeah, I'm back

The Reaper tried and failed again. I ended up in the hospital for a spell and have been spending a lot of time modifying my lifestyle to avoid another trip to the damn place. This last time I was in ICU for a day before being sent to a regular room. (If you call any hospital room regular.) A change of lifestyle and pace is definitely in order – as per doctor's orders. A little less time spent on the computer and a little more time spent hiking and exercising is what I was told to do so that is what I am doing. Not to worry, I still get up in the middle of the night and write. My goal now is to have my new book completed by the end of the year so I can send the whole package off to publishers and see which one is gutsy enough to bring the words to you.

 

Later,

Kirk Toncray

WEBSITE

 

A Writer's Frustration

There is probably nothing more frustrating to a writer than spending several hours imagining, planning, typing, and correcting, only to find that the chapter written doesn’t fit the theme of the rest of the story. The only thing to do is to cut the unwanted, time-consuming piece from the manuscript and throw it into the file where all the other deleted chapters are located. One never knows, maybe someday I can find a place within a different story, or maybe even the same one, where it won’t be a total waste.

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray
Website

A little time off

Sometimes we need to take a break to enjoy life and the ones we love. My girlfriend and I went to the Pacific Coast and had a wonderful time. My leg hurt like a MF so I could not walk with her down the beach. She is so understanding. Take time to enjoy the pleasures in life and not let the stress bring you down.

Email Problems

I am having a terrible time with Hotmail so if anyone has ordered books and not received them, email me here or call; 541.357.0991 I apologize for any unnecessary delay.

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray
kirktoncray.com

Share the Wealth

The sales of Behind the Signs has gone ballistic so I have made the decision to share the income I receive to those who are less fortunate. There is a lady in my life that will stand right beside me through thick and thin and is probably more caring than I am. (She puts up with my BS). She is incredibly smart and knows the ropes.. If anyone has a charity in mind that is legitimate, let me know through my website.

http://kirktoncray.com

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray

Stress in Relationships

When two people are in love, there will be problems. The onl.y way to resolve the problems is to communicate and enter each other's mind. Relationships take a tremendous amount of work an sometimes we say the wrong damn things. I am sorry for being such an a-hole, Tawnya Wright Miller Toncray.

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray
http://kirktoncray.com

Stress in Relationships

When two people are in love, there will be problems. The onl.y way to resolve the problems is to communicate and enter each other's mind. Relationships take a tremendous amount of work an sometimes we say the wrong damn things. I am sorry for being such an a-hole, Tawnya Wright Miller Toncray.

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray
http://kirktoncray.com

Our Tax Dollars Going the Wrong Way

I am ticked off so please forgive me. My girlfriend and I went up Big Fall Creek, Oregon to sit and watch the water, the rapids. When we walked back to her Camry, she found a citation on the windshield that said we didn't pay for a stay that long. 30 minutes is nothing. We only sat there and watched the water flow. Is this where our tax dollars are going? They will get their $25, right where the sun don't shine.

Until next time,
Kirk Toncray
http://kirktoncray.com

People are hurting

I haven't posted for a while and for that I apologize. Behind the Signs has gone ballistic  but there are still so many good people who are struggling to survive. This is wrong and we MUST do something to change this and the pain and suffering go away. My relationship with Tawnya is growing by leaps and bounds. She is right on top of the homeless population too. She's been there, not as far as me, but she is going to dedicate time from her busy schedule again this coming winter with me at the Egan Warming Centers.  I am now in management with them and it will prove to be one hell of a challenge. I can take it if you can. Thanks for all the hits on this blog. Check my site, I promise...I'll be back.

Kirk Toncray

http://kirktoncray.com

It happens

Sometimes things in life get a little weird. This I do realize but to have a family member slam Behind the Signs was something that I am having a hard time dealing with.

Give her a hand

There are so many things that happen behind the curtains that we don’t realize. My dear friend, Tawnya Miller, has worked her ass off at the Egan Warming Centers, while attending college, while maintaining a home and a 15 year old child. She is doing her best to gain traction in this this world. Let’s give her a hand…Shall we?

                                         

Open our ears

It saddens me when people get so hung up in their own ways that listening doesn’t even exist. What happened to opened ears? If we all would just put our own selfishness aside, maybe we could change things. It won’t happen though until we shut our own mouths and open our ears and our minds.

Until next time,
Kirk Toncray
WEBSITE

Listen or Hear

This isn’t anything new; I just think it’s appropriate. Sometimes we get so caught up in our lives that we forget who we are talking to or the depth the short conversation may lead. Here’s an example. Bear with me; I’m a former Diesel Mechanic.

I was watching a lowboy hauling a log loader turn the corner with a flagger in front and a flagger behind. The ‘Oversize Load’ signs were up and as the driver rounded the corner, he was talking on his CB and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t ordering pizza. He was gaining information about his load. It may have shifted, come loose, etc. It could have been a real mess.

The flaggers weren’t just listening to the words that were flowing on that frequency; they were hearing what was said.

So many times in life we pick and choose what we absorb without allowing the true message to penetrate. I’m guilty, and so are you. When we walk by someone, do we say, “How’s it going?” just because it seems to be the friendly thing to do or stop and actually wait for a reply? Do we listen to the response or hear it?

Giving speeches is a blessing that is no doubt one of the best ways for me to gain awareness of homeless persons. I have gotten response from my last speech and it seems the audience has heard the words, not just listened.

Until later,
Kirk Toncray
WEBSITE

Substance Abuse

I wasn’t going to do this but I figured it’s worthwhile. After speaking with a person whom I have known for quite some time, and swears up and down against judgment, that person’s true colors showed during a recent conversation.

I don’t recall how it got this far but this particular person still has it in focus that all homeless persons either drink or use drugs, or both. This is simply not true and trying to explain this to someone who just-will-not-listen is next to impossible.

Even though it is true that a large percentage of less fortunate individuals do use one or the other, or both, the reasons for this should be clear to anyone who has read the last chapter of Behind the Signs.

Without going further, I’ll just post part of the last chapter so you can decide for yourself.

I know that overlapped a bit but give me a break. It's 2:00 in the morning. The first full paragraph contains the information that this post is all about.

 

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray
WEBSITE



Lying People

A situation tonight spawned this post:

A common myth is that homeless persons are a bunch of lying individuals who have no morals whatsoever. I hope this helps break that myth.

In actuality, homeless persons may pass an occasional bullshit story; even stretch the truth at times to an incredible level that only a man on the moon would understand. Basically, this is out of boredom and the need for making a good afternoon out of the same old day to day stuff that is required to survive.

Let’s take a look at the “common” person for a switch. How many ‘white lies’ does it take for it to become unjustified?

Here’s a few: Not answering the phone, (screening calls via answering machine or caller ID); Making cheap excuses for not attending that party or luncheon; how about avoiding a situation altogether just because you didn’t really want to see a particular person? What about the times you didn’t answer the door because your favorite show was playing or you were just too damn lazy?

Of the many homeless persons I have met, the word ‘welcome’ means welcome.

Makes a person think now doesn’t it?

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray
WEBSITE

Slow Down and Change?

It’s been a while since I wrote on this blog and for that I apologize. It's been a little crazy lately and I will make no more excuses than this:

I had been working diligently on a speech to give at a local college on the effects of homelessness and how to avoid getting into such a mess in the first place. In that process, I managed not only to drain myself of energy and funding, (don't ask), I managed to lose a friend as well. We had only been friends for a few months but it hurt deeply all the same.

I also found my ass in the hospital after a massive seizure and a huge gash in the back of my head because I neglected to take my medication. I was told in the hospital to start eating properly and quit eating at Micky-Dees, just because it was fast and convenient. After the speech at the college was over, I ate a small meal at home, had a bowl of ice cream, let the doggie lick the bowl, then immediately went to bed. This was about 7:00 and I didn't wake up until about 10:00 the next morning.

I am now told by a dear friend, who also just so happens to be a pastor, to SLOW DOWN, and that I am taking on too much. Here's the problem: If I slow down and laze off, who's going to take up the slack? The homeless persons out there can't just give up because they get a little tired. In NASCAR if the car is pushing a little in the turns and the driver pits while running in the front of the pack, the car owner is going to have a very serious talk with that driver.

I took the day off today, well, yesterday. The only thing I did was go and get a new modem because the old one failed and there was no internet connection. No problem, three connections and a call to Comcast for a reset and all is well.

I have an appointment tomorrow, today,  to get the staples pulled out and more than likely get my ass chewed from my personal physician. My grandma has surgery, and numerous things need attention. As far as rest goes, I guess one day is too much. I’m sure you’ve been there too.

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray
WEBSITE

Bridging the Gap

There’s little doubt that society would like to see homelessness disappear but let’s face the fact that it’s not. There are a few programs already in place, some that have taken shape and failed, and some that are still in the process of basic structure. Currently, there are plans of building a small community of Conestoga huts so persons would have some sort of safe structure to temporarily live in while moving forward in their lives.

Here’s where the problem comes in. After speaking with one of the leaders of a local organization and asking how I can be of assistance, I went out to retrieve more information on this type of approach and I found exactly what I thought I would find. Some of this information was obtained directly from a homeless person:

Even though most homeless persons are mindset on being more productive with their lives and carry the desire to better themselves, some are perfectly content as long as there are basic necessities for sustainment. This becomes a real issue when it comes time to decide who gets what.

Definition of Opportunity: 1) A set of circumstances that make it possible to do something. 2) A chance for employment or promotion.

The funds for providing proper shelter in an environment similar to most persons in a working community are extremely limited so if just anybody is allowed to utilize these accommodations, someone is going to be left out. There has to be some way to filter between the chronic homeless and the persons who will put the programs to use the way they are intended.

Here’s the real issue. Nobody wants to be the bad guy, or the judge, and say, “You can stay and you cannot.”

No matter how you slice it, someone is going to get pissed off and throw a fit. People who are living on the streets struggle daily and tossing in a judgment such as that may add even more fuel to an existing attitude that’s on the teetering edge of uncontrollable anger. This makes building a bridge to close the gap from homelessness to productive lives that much more of a challenge.

If you have any thoughts or ideas on this issue and can find a resolution, please leave a comment so I can pass it along.

Until next time,
Kirk Toncray
WEBSITE

 

First Impressions Never Leave

In order to put the title of this post into context, I’ll dive right in and give a perfect example of how a few inconsiderate individuals can add fuel to an existing fire regarding stereotypes of the homeless. This happens so frequently that it’s little wonder even the cleanest and most caring of  less fortunate individuals get a bum rap.

I was not only shocked, but completely embarrassed as well when I took the friendly staff from Flux Magazine up to one of my old camping areas. I hadn’t been up in this particular area for about six, maybe seven years and I was overwhelmed at the bitter sight that filled not only my eyes, but the eyes of the people I was with as well.

In a nutshell, when a person is homeless, and it seems like nobody cares, it’s very difficult to give a damn about anything. This is a fact. I’ve been there. However, back in the days of my homelessness, and spending time with other homeless persons as well, we always managed to give enough ‘damn’ to keep a somewhat clean camp area. It’s not that difficult.

If a person takes a bag of whatever up to camp, consumes the whatever, the only effort required to maintain a neat and tidy campsite is toss the garbage back into the bag that it came in and simply carry it out with you the next day. It’s really that simple. Why can’t everyone do this and make the world a better place?

Here’s a picture that will hopefully deter some of the stereotypes of homeless camps. If you’ve paid attention to my website, you’ve seen this before:

I am hoping at least one of the team members from Flux Magazine reads this post in order to accept my apologies on behalf of the responsible homeless persons who are still out there and still give a half a damn.

Until next time,
Kirk Toncray
WEBSITE

Amazing Hearts

Last weekend, there was a fundraising event for the Egan Warming Centers, held at Cosmic Pizza in Eugene, OR. This isn’t an ordinary pizza parlor but one that often hosts live musicians to play their tunes on stage. It isn’t a huge concert hall, but the stage is well positioned so the bands can do their thing and their music can be enjoyed by all.

There ended up being six bands at the event, none of which were boring or unsatisfactory. The turnout for this important event was incredible, way beyond expectations. Personally, I thought people would flow in and out the door as they ordered and consumed their pizza and beverages, not giving a hoot about the entertainment on stage or the cause of the event.

Was I ever wrong!

I don’t know the income figures generated by this event but along with any non-required donations received at the door, the raffles alone brought in a fair share of money for this important network which provides shelter, food, and supplies for the homeless during the bitterest nights of the winter.

If these people haven’t been thanked enough, kudos to all the musicians who performed, utilizing their amazing talents, Lane Transit District employees for their time preparing the raffle baskets, and of course, Cosmic Pizza for hosting this important event.

 

Another huge thanks to all who not only donated, but participated in this amazing and fun event.

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray
WEBSITE

Cold—The Only Challenge?

As an interview with the wonderful folks at Flux Magazine progressed, a thought occurred to me that cold weather isn’t the only challenge Mother Nature throws at homeless persons. Sweltering heat becomes a major concern as well. Here’s why:

As temperatures rise, most persons these days have air conditioned homes, automobiles or at least someplace to go to avoid being directly out in the sun. Even a fan helps. Homeless persons do not have these ‘luxuries.’ Although many businesses will allow someone to come in and sit down, it’s usually only for a short time when nothing is chosen from the menu–except maybe a free glass of cool water. I’m not pointing fingers; this isn’t wrong, those businesses are there to make money, not cater to someone who is just trying to avoid the heat.

The point I am making is homeless persons do not have electricity for fans, and at times, finding shade even becomes a problem. On top of that, most homeless individuals have a very limited supply of clothing on hand; sometimes the very same clothes worn throughout the year. More times than not, the clothes are worn without even being laundered that entire time. For instance, John, in Behind the Signs, always wore either a worn-out leather jacket or grubby insulated coveralls. It wasn’t because he wanted to appear snazzy in that old jacket, or because he was on his way to work, he just didn’t have anything else to wear. The tee-shirt underneath wasn’t fit to scrub a dirty sink.

These things that seem trivial to most people become very real things to a homeless person who is trying to avoid a heat stroke.

Yes, another excerpt from Behind the Signs:

 

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray
WEBSITE

Behind the Signs–Storyline Location

Many folks wonder, and some even outright ask, where did you and your friends stand or sit and fly your signs? The Behind the Signs storyline location is somewhat unique in the fact that it’s located at a major interchange at one of the main passages from Eastern to Western Oregon. The intersection also conveniently locates two busy shopping centers, including two supermarkets, fast food restaurants, gas stations, and other businesses.

Once we were disallowed on The Rock, (Behind the Signs—chapter 1), we began flying sign between the four lanes of the freeway as it ended at the intersection, joining Main Street and a major roadway to another well-traveled mountain pass. The interchange is pictured here:

 

 

Many days were spent standing or sitting at this location. Some of which were during sudden downpours or even snow which resulted in us becoming quite wet and cold, due to the fact that the closest shelter was three pedestrian signals and a parking lot away.

This is from Behind the Signs, Chapter 17, Flying the Freeway–introducing the location of a new era in flying sign:

 

As you can see, we always immediatly respected Johnny Law's requests, no matter how much we disagreed with them.

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray
WEBSITE



Unacceptable Acts

Why do some people feel that if they need something, they must take it without asking? I pondered this Thursday when someone burglarized the offices used by a local charity and other operations here in Springfield, Oregon—Soaring Hope Compassionate Ministries. Somehow, I just don’t get why a person would go to the extreme of stealing from a charity organization when giving is what-they-do.

A little about Soaring Hope (This is from their Facebook page): Soaring Hope is an outreach ministry offering hot meals, laundry facilities, a day room, and our support to those in need. More than all of that, we offer the Love of Jesus to all who come to us for assistance.

The thing that gets me the most is why target a charity, if for some asinine reason you are going to steal at all? These places give out donated food and other items on top of providing services for laundry and other things as well. If someone has a problem, I’m sure they have someone available to help that person through that problem, free of charge, no strings attached.

When I saw what had happened as it became visible on Facebook, I was outraged and so should you be. This action is not only unacceptable, it’s just downright wrong.

In conclusion, Kudos to the Springfield Police Department for doing such a fine job in finding the suspect(s) in such short time. Let it be known that this type of behavior will not be tolerated.

Click HERE to visit Soaring Hope on Facebook and click 'Like' to show your support.

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray
WEBSITE

About Homelessness

Since I wrote Behind the Signs with the full intent to open 'closed' minds on the complicated issue of homeless persons - what put them there and what their previous lives were like - I have decided to not only include posts on this blog that pertain to the book, but to the title as well. Now that I am deeply involved in the emergency warming shelter for the homeless, I am learning even more in-depth information that pertains to these individuals. During two recent activations of the shelter, there was one individual that seemed to be a trouble-maker of sorts. The last activation became violent and needed to be de-fused before something really bad happened. I decided to go deeper into the issue of mental illness among homeless persons and I have found some interesting data:

Most homeless persons are men, but about 10 to 25% are women, of whom about half string children along with them. Significant mental illness pertains to about 30 to 35% of the homeless which includes, but not limited to: Functional Psychoses, Acute Distress, Personality Dysfunction, and Co-morbidity.

Co-morbidity - Smaller conditions that exist primarily due to a larger condition that sometimes results in self-medication. (This co-morbidity is what I was explaining in my book):

Behind the Signs - Chapter 42, A Way Out

There is much, much more to the old stereotypical view of the homeless than meets the eye. Those stereotypes only touch the surface - not reaching to the very root of the existing problem(s).

Until Next Time,
Kirk Toncray
WEBSITE

Another Small Excerpt.

Do you ever hear a song that puts you into some sort of a trance? Every now and then, I hear this song and it always reminds me of a man who I had met one day in front of McDonalds. He was sitting on 'The Rock' and I remember him speaking to me and what he said. To this day, everytime I hear Paint Me a Birmingham by Tray Lawrence, my mind drifts to John and that day on the rock. It's a touching song and it relates so  much to that man that it hits me quite hard. This picture is an excerpt from Behind the Signs, Chapter 16 (Book of John) page 120.

Until Next Time,

Kirk Toncray
PAINT ME A BIRMINGHAM

WEBSITE

Do you want to read a diary?

Have you ever wanted to read someone else’s diary? Here’s your chance. When I wrote Behind the Signs, I set out to write a book that is as much like a diary as possible and still keep the literary style in place. Only the dialog is mentioned word-for-word and that’s just the way it has to be. Parts of the story are quite redundant and this I do know. But please keep in mind that in order to draw you into the actual lifestyle of homeless individuals, I had to keep it that way. The editor agrees. If you want a fairytale, read Mary Poppins because Behind the Signs is not for you. If you want a real-life story, a diary of sorts, take the time, and place yourself far into the real world of homelessness and read deeply, not just the surface. You’ll not regret it. This is the type of feedback I am receiving regularly. People are saying they must stop reading and reflect for a moment before continuing. I guess maybe I should take my telephone number off my website but I’ll keep it there until it gets to be too much.

Until next time,
Kirk Toncray
WEBSITE

You Get What You Pay For

I have come to the conclusion that there are some things that just aren't worth skimping on. Well, I kinda knew that already; anyone who has read Behind the Signs knows that, but I always figured that if I paid the bare minimum for a website, who would know the better? Well, after having a 'freebie' website for neary four years, then finally evolving it into a paid site, purchasing my own domain name, I found it to be far more attractive. I didn't have that pesky website creator's name hanging onto the shirt tail of my site. Then, with a little help from Google Analytics, I discovered that I wasn't generating the traffic that I would like. I knew very little about how different search engines use different techniques. I thought that the more the site was visited, the higher the ranking, subsequently the higher up on the search engine the site would be. I also found out that recently, Google changed the way they rate websites and which order puts then towards the top on the search results. Knowing this, and still hesitant, I did some more research and found that if I want my site to be competetive with others, I'm just going to need to shell out some bucks and get the package one step above the one that I already had. That turned out to be the Gold package, which is also on the top of the list that the company I use has. It does make a difference, now my site's key words are more focused and will hit a broader audience than just my name or the name of my book.

Until next time,
Kirk Toncray
Click here for WEBSITE

Everything is Realitive

Some scientist, somewhere, sometime, somehow came  up with the term that everything is realitive. I'm not really sure what that person was talking about, (Science was never my forte'), but I think I can fill in some of the blanks on this one. Here's what I'm going to do. After I explain that for the last two nights, I have met and worked side-by-side with some of the most caring, giving, and intelligent individuals that anyone could ever work with. I'm talking about the awsome volunteers at the local shelter, which is provided for homeless persons when the temperatures dip into a dangerous level. It's called, The Egan Warming Center(s), here locally and it's not only necessary, it's heartwarming. So, I've decided to post an excerpt from my memoir, Behind the Signs, that has a portion of the actual warming center that Beth and I used during our days spent without a roof over our heads.

Here goes:

After taking the first morning yeller piss, I walked back and zipped the tent flap down before we walked over to get a cup of hot coffee. It was definitely a coffee morning, the steaming hot liquid felt excellent when it hit the back of my throat. After we sipped some coffee we grabbed the sign and headed out to the freeway. There wasn’t much traffic that morning; I figured most people stayed up late for the New Year celebration and then slept in. It didn’t matter much; within the first five cars that went by we got a “Happy New Year! Here you go!” yell from some guy who looked like he was still about half sloshed from the night before or he never quit all night long. Either way, he gave us a ten dollar bill. That put a smile on Beth’s face. We walked over to the mini-mart as usual but I stopped at the bus station and got a newspaper to read.

It was the Thursday paper and on the front page said something to the effect of Warming center open through weekend for the homeless. That caught my attention so I turned to section that contained the article and read it while walking through the parking lot.

The warming center was to take place at the Armory across town. The bus ride would be free to anyone in need and bus tokens would be given out upon exit for a return trip.

After Beth came out of the mini-mart, I filled here in on the details. She was a bit leery about the whole idea but I told her, “We might as well try it out; it’s worth a shot.”

We discussed it for a while and decided to give it a try. It had to be more comfortable than a tent, and it couldn’t be any worse than the mission. The newspaper said the center would be open form seven pm to seven am. Everyone must be ready to leave by seven o’clock. They were to have some kind of small meal during the evening for those who wanted it and a pastry and coffee or orange juice in the morning. Showers were provided although numbers were limited on how many would be able to use that benefit.

We flew sign for the rest of the day taking an occasional break then went over to camp to check things out before we left. Then we hopped on the bus at about five thirty and headed for the Armory. When we arrived we could not believe the turnout. Beth and I managed to acquire folding cots to sleep on but some were not so fortunate. Some people were forced to sleep in different rooms on the floor with nothing but a blanket. It was warm though, the temperature was supposed to drop into the low teens the next four nights. When a person is exposed to that kind of cold, it can lead to death very rapidly. In fact, one homeless person did lose his life that year from hypothermia because he couldn’t make it to the only warming center that was in operation.

I hope you enjoyed that little excerpt.
Until next time,
Kirk Toncray
Click here for my WEBSITE